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Why do aging rock stars retire?
Old 04-22-2010, 12:31 AM   #1
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Default Why do aging rock stars retire?

Reposted from JustStrings.com on Facebook...

Why do aging rock stars retire?

1. Can't remember the lyrics to "Ohhh Ohhh Ohhh."
2. Power chords were causing terrible hearing aid feedback.
3. Tired of illicit drug addiction. Ready to begin prescription drug addiction.
4. Progressed to snorting Viagra.
5. Wireless microphone sets off Life Alert!
6. Osteoporosis prevents banging of one's head.
7. Crutches cause runs in spandex.
8. Because after a few years, watching a hundred or so people burn to death in a Rhode Island bar loses its luster. (Screw you, Great White!!! We saw you plow over people to get to your own personal exit...) ahem. I digress...
9. Can't hold it for more than a 1/2 hour at a time.
10. Power chairs keep smashing cables on stage
11. False teeth keep flying out on those high notes
12. Takes too long for groupies to roll things back up after flashing "Show Us Yer T*ts" sign
13. Rider keeps specifying unlimited Geritol on Ice backstage
14. One step up to the stage is my limit.
15. Personal doctor nixes any notions of an encore!
16. Contract must include "Early Bird Special" clause!
17. It's too difficult to do that studly strut across the stage with a walker...
18. Tour dates 2010: July 4/Branson MO - Tour dates 2011: July 4/Branson MO - Tour dates 2012: July 4/Branson MO
19. Youngest person in entourage is a 49 year old roadie!
20. Can't see the fretboard anymore without glasses.
21. All stage equipment mistakenly routed through The Clapper.
22. New healthcare plan doesn't cover finger injuries due to over active finger dancing.
23. The only company that will do a tour sponsorship is "Depends"!
24. Bar stools are needed on stage right after the 1st set.
25. AARP will only sponsor concerts played before Matlock unless it's a retirement party
26. Because "I've fallen and can't get up" isn't funny when it's you.
27. The Depends don't last a full set!
28. "Oh, the wheelchair in the sky keeps on turnin'..."
29. Obviously, too many rock shows start after 7:30 pm bedtime.
30. Because they lose their footing and fall off the stage... oh, wait, that DID happen. Sorry
31. Don't know whether to turn up the gain on the amp or the hearing aid!
32. Condo at Boca Del Vista, FL. is ready for move in. Bocce Ball and 4pm dinners here I come!
33. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards endorsing A.A.R.P.



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Old 04-22-2010, 01:19 AM   #2
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Some don't


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Old 04-22-2010, 01:30 AM   #3
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And this movie offers another theory:

Fox and Jagger were amazing in this.
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Old 04-22-2010, 01:34 AM   #4
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At least for Mick Jagger,

It's sex, drugs and Imodium AD.
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Old 04-23-2010, 12:14 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatz View Post
At least for Mick Jagger,

It's sex, drugs and Imodium AD.
That made me lol.
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Old 04-27-2010, 11:50 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucifer Baphomet View Post
Some don't



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Old 04-28-2010, 07:31 AM   #7
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The guys I've known who spent significant amounts of time on tour were bored out of their freaking minds.*

Imagine spending months out of a year riding on buses and planes and living out of suitcases, interspersed with a few hours a night of playing the same songs over and over again, watching people being asshats who are hypnotized by "glamour" and hype, and having to talk to reporters/talk show hosts/ reviewers who all ask the same questions over and over again and don't really care about your answers anyway.

And the purpose of the entire process is to sell CDs, and once the above formulaic sales process is over, if you haven't been frugal, you wind up with notsomuch take-home pay.

[Record cos. take expenses out ahead of royalties- friend of mine who worked at Bearsville Studios said it was the single dumbest thing young musicians did- living large at the recording studio- because they thought it was free, but it came out of their pay]. If you have an entourage, a bus, nightly hotel rooms for eight months out of the year, etc etc etc, it adds up quick. If you're not selling millions of CDs, you'll have a hard time breaking even.

Now make that whole scene go on for years at a time.

Aging rock stars retire because it's a sucky, lonely way to spend a lifetime, not to mention a risky business plan.

Oh, but- sorry: LIVE THE DREAM!

*So were friends of mine who were commercial fishermen out of Norfolk, VA. Both sets of people seemed to have a predisposition towards getting their stupid selves hooked on heroin. I have theories re. mind-numbing boredom and heroin. And WoW.
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Last edited by Jen; 04-28-2010 at 08:13 AM. Reason: *
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