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How Every Single Product for Men Was Designed
Old 04-06-2014, 11:39 PM   #1
Io Zeno
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Default How Every Single Product for Men Was Designed

CollegeHumor.com is rarely humorous or about college but I found this funny (and true):

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Gather round, everyone. I've got a huge idea that's going to DOUBLE the sales of our product line.

Okay, you know our main product that lots of people use? Let's make a new version of it, but this one's FOR MEN.

Right, yeah, I know the regular product isn't just for women....Yes, and I know lots of men were perfectly happy using that one....No, the new product won't actually work differently or be distinguishable from our regular product in any way other than the packaging....Look, I feel like you guys aren't really getting this.

The packaging on this one's going to be DARK BLUE.

Yeah.

Or, actually, even that might be too girly. It's going to be BLACK. LIKE THE NIGHT. Like Batman. The ULTIMATE man. Think BATMAN would buy some girly-ass soap that's like, A LITTLE GREEN? I guess Alfred shops for him, actually. The point is, this is a product for REAL MEN.

And it'll be thicker. Squat. Sturdy. A real man can't have his product FALLING DOWN all the time because it's top-heavy like those weak, stupid female varieties. He's too busy leaning against fences, shirtless, with his thumbs hooked in the belt loops of his jeans.

In fact, we'll give it some grips on the sides, because men fuckin' grip things, like our fuckin' DICKS. And we need grips that are rough and ready! Otherwise tiny little girl products might SLIDE RIGHT OUT of our grasp, because our hands are all callused from chopping wood and punching other men in the face.

Yeah, it'll have the same basic brand name as before. But let's take the font and make it sleeker and thicker, because men want NO BULLSHIT. HIGH IMPACT. With the text in STEEL GREY. Or SILVER, LIKE A GUN. Will this product SHOOT YOU? It fuckin' MIGHT.

Oh, and instead of the normal inoffensive unscented version, it's a THICK LEATHERY MUSK. When this guy walks into a room, people need to KNOW IT. They need to look down at their shoes and think to themselves, "Oh man, that's Steve. I know without even looking up, because I am instantly quaking with both respect and fear at the manly odor of his presence."

Also, the rest of the packaging should be like, a whole bunch of abstract shapes, maybe. Ellipses. Sharp curves. Aerodynamism. Abdominals. You know, GUY shapes. This product needs to be SWIFT and FIERCE because men are ON THE GO. Let's make it look like it was designed in a top-secret laboratory where genius scientists are working on the CURE FOR SEXINESS. I mean, not that sexiness is a disease. You know what I mean.

Oh, but also, make sure we don't put anything on the packaging that gives you any idea what's inside. Everyone will be like, "Whoa, what's in there, a convertible Porsche? Semen? A fuckin' nuclear BOMB? Who knows!"

Our customer is a man of mystery. What's he doing with this product? Is he using it the normal way? Displaying it in his home? Occasionally sniffing deeply at it while rubbing the stubble along his jaw line to replenish his testosterone levels? All the ladies want to know, but they never will. They'll just see the product on the shelves in stores, look at it for a minute, and then reach for the female version with their tiny dainty pathetic girl fingers while sighing softly to themselves, resigned in the ruinous knowledge that they will never, never, never be men.

Do you guys think it's too much to draw a dick on the side?
http://www.collegehumor.com/post/696...n-was-designed



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Old 04-07-2014, 01:37 AM   #2
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This is close, too.

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Old 04-07-2014, 12:30 PM   #3
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Well shoot, at least a lot of thought has to be put into products made specifically FOR MEN.

Know how they take a regular product and make it FOR WOMEN? They just make it pink. Or purple, or aqua. That's it! Like...Bic for Women. They're just ordinary, unremarkable Bic plastic pens...except translucent girly-colors. That's literally the ONLY difference! Or earbuds "for her" - same diff! Just earbuds that are...pink. And "For Women" (or whatever) always has to be written in script next to the regular logo, because script is for girls.
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Old 04-07-2014, 04:08 PM   #4
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Don't you have undone homework to do?
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:52 PM   #5
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Old 04-08-2014, 10:50 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota Tebaldi View Post
Well shoot, at least a lot of thought has to be put into products made specifically FOR MEN.

Know how they take a regular product and make it FOR WOMEN? They just make it pink. Or purple, or aqua. That's it! Like...Bic for Women. They're just ordinary, unremarkable Bic plastic pens...except translucent girly-colors. That's literally the ONLY difference! Or earbuds "for her" - same diff! Just earbuds that are...pink. And "For Women" (or whatever) always has to be written in script next to the regular logo, because script is for girls.
That reminds me of the comments section at CollegeHumor!

Quote:
John Jacob · Top Commenter · Boston, Massachusetts

Alright people we need to make a product for women. So make sure it comes in a pastel. Good. Now put an line illustration of either a butterfly or a floral pattern. Butterfly on top of flowers? Good God are you reading my mind? Awesome. Ok now put the copy in a handwritten serif font. Fuck yeah! I want people to think that Audrey Hepburn herself wrote this in a recycled paper notebook on a beach during a summer she discovered herself as a person. Now what goes in the copy? One word. Botanicals. Let that roll on your tongue. Bo-tan-icals. They're natural. They're safe. They're effective. Pack this fucker full of them. I better see some god damn botanicals on this shit or I will lose my mind. Good. Now get the ad guys in here. I want you a-holes to listen closely. Empowering. Our product is fucking empowering. Our ads better have a woman building a rocket ship, while loving her kids and being a fully independent person, because SHE FUCKING WANTS TOO. She's strong, confident and powerful but still emotional, feminine and beautiful. Now get out before I empower your asses through a window. We got it? Good. Alright let's get this shit done.

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