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Old 04-20-2011, 09:33 PM   #1
Morgaine Alter
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Wink share your jokes thread

(psst I couldn't find another one, I swore there was one once)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out
with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Old 05-28-2011, 06:35 PM   #2
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Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Michael said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,

'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'
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Old 06-06-2011, 12:18 PM   #3
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Quote:
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain ,"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "Because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work...

The asshole is usually in charge.


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Old 06-06-2011, 12:19 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spaceman Opus View Post
Michael wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else. One day Michael got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.
The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Michael said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.

Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,

'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all quarters!'
I heard this one too except it was PENNIES!



P2
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:53 AM   #5
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Why did the armadillo cross the road?


SCREEECH *thump thump*


Oh, nevermind.
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Old 10-26-2011, 11:23 AM   #6
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A man and his wife have been together for many years. On the man's 60th birthday his wonderful wife decided to buy him the very best thing she could think to purchase. She bought him a ticket to see the medicine man for his 'problem.'

After this birthday, the man, very nervously speaks with the medicine man and hands him his ticket.

The medicine man eyes him up and down and says, "I want you to take this, it will make you hard as a rock and you will be able to make love to your wife for as long as you both want. take a spoonful of it, and, 'say one-two-three' and BAM! You are good. It will last until either you or your wife say one-two-three-four so either one of you can turn it off.

I have to tell you though, it will only work once every 60 days."

The man returns to his wife, kisses her deeply, drinks a spoonful and shouts, "one, two, three!"
Holy Hell, he gets an erection that is MASSIVE!

His wife, in shock, screams, "Oh My God that is amazing! But, what was the one two three for?"

And that ladies and gentlemen is why you NEVER end a sentence with a preposition.
It leaves you with a dangling participle.

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Old 12-28-2011, 11:59 AM   #7
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Borrowing this one from The Facebook Friend Formerly Known As "Your Mom":

"I rear-ended a car this morning... the start of a REALLY great day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started."



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Old 07-26-2012, 02:59 PM   #8
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An old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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Old 07-26-2012, 03:36 PM   #9
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Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I
sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel
great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:28 PM   #10
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I broke a record said the man
- Oh, what?
- I managed to do a puzzle in 15 days
on which there was written "from 3 to 5 years".
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Old 07-26-2012, 04:36 PM   #11
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A man at the ball, is dancing with a woman. Suddenly! a fart escapes him. Embarrassed, he turns to her :
- "I'm sorry, I missed it, I hope this is just between us?"
- "Nope, I hope it will move!"
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:13 AM   #12
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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert .
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."
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Old 08-01-2012, 03:16 AM   #13
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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Old 08-02-2012, 01:06 PM   #14
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A little boy was sitting on a footpath with a bottle of turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called turpentine.'

The priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!'
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Old 08-06-2012, 01:30 PM   #15
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:46 PM   #16
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A mother says to her boy:
- do not forget that we are on earth to work.
- Well, then I, later I shall be seaman!
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:49 PM   #17
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I perceived your friend recently, but she did not see me!
- I know, she said it to me.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:54 PM   #18
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Two fleas go out of the movie house, the one says in the other one:
- We return on foot or we take a dog?
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:03 PM   #19
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Tell me...
You like feeling the contact of the body of anybody against you?
Which makes you sweat... Smell his(her,its) breath on your face or on your neck... Try new positions... Enter by the back or by the front... Rise... Come down... Enter... Go out... Enter cold and go out warmly... Yesss
You like that? Then!!
Take the San Francisco Cable cars!
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Old 08-06-2012, 04:10 PM   #20
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I laughed at the previous one mainly because I understood it.

Try getting jokes off the web, Tout, and then posting them here.
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Old 08-06-2012, 06:48 PM   #21
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OK Coco

Just for you I shall translate.

(it's not really that hard.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tout View Post
A mother says to her boy:
- do not forget that we are on earth to work.
- Well, then I, later I shall be seaman!
Boy's mother tell him "Remember son, we were put on this Earth to work"

Boy says "Well in that case I'm off to sea.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tout View Post
I perceived your friend recently, but she did not see me!
- I know, she said it to me.
Hey, I saw your friend yesterday but they never saw me...

I know, she told me



Quote:
Originally Posted by Tout View Post
Two fleas go out of the movie house, the one says in the other one:
- We return on foot or we take a dog?
Ok you got this one so... onto the next.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tout View Post
Tell me...
You like feeling the contact of the body of anybody against you?
Which makes you sweat... Smell his(her,its) breath on your face or on your neck... Try new positions... Enter by the back or by the front... Rise... Come down... Enter... Go out... Enter cold and go out warmly... Yesss
You like that? Then!!
Take the San Francisco Cable cars!
You know, If I need to translate this one, I kinda feel sorry for Mr Coco
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Piglet's eyes blazed with eldritch fire, his laugh echoed, huge in the deep cavern "The sacred honey is mine, mine, mine."

The feral rabbit horde edged forward.

Pooh stepped over the decapitated corpse of Eeyore. There would be time for mourning afterwards.

Flanked by Tigger and Roo, they met the ravening rabbits in pitched battle.
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Old 08-06-2012, 06:49 PM   #22
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And Tout,

I can understand your jokes fine.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:49 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucifer Baphomet View Post
And Tout,

I can understand your jokes fine.
Luv you big boy..
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:55 PM   #24
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Take my wife please.
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Old 08-07-2012, 09:11 PM   #25
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Although locked in fierce competition for what seems like forever, God and the Devil meet once every week for coffee just to catch up with each other. One week they're in heaven and the next they're in hell. When it was God's turn to host last week, the Devil was whistling a happy tune as he walked through the gates and wore a huge smile as he plopped down in the golden chair. As he poured a cup, God said, "You look pretty pleased with yourself." "Yeah," said the Devil, "Things are really looking up since I got that engineer last week. He's put in escalators and flush toilets, and he even found a way to control the heat in those old furnaces. I've been meaning to thank you for turning him away up here." God looked stunned, and almost spilled coffee into the saucer. "You know that you're not supposed to get any engineers," God said. "Peter was breaking in some new help at the gates last week, and they must have made a mistake. Just send him back up and we'll straighten it out." But the Devil just chuckled and said, "No. I think I'll keep him. He was talking about looking into better ventilation this week. I can see why you keep them all for yourself." "Send him back," demanded God "No," smirked the Devil. God thundered, "Send him back, or..." "Or what?" the Devil asked. "Or I'll sue," finished God. The Devil chuckled again. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
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Slightly off topic....do we think people should get prior approval for this sort of comment theft?
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Old 08-20-2012, 11:18 PM   #26
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope ... just when it's raining.'
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Old 08-24-2012, 10:26 PM   #27
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I can't take credit for this.
It came across my facebook feed thing.

A brother of mine as his status update:

"Well, today I crouched down as low as I could and clasped my hands behind me knees. Then I tucked my chin to my chest, and leaned forward. You may be asking yourself why I would do such a thing. Because that's how I roll."

It made me laugh, I figure I would share.
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Old 08-27-2012, 05:59 PM   #28
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Another one I can't take credit for.
A status update on facebook, same brother in fact.

During sex, I suddenly stopped and didn't move So she was like "what are you doing?" ... I told her to shut up, I seen this on Pornhub, Its called Buffering.
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:41 PM   #29
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Old 08-28-2012, 07:05 PM   #30
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Had a duck land in my backyard.
I got the camera out, it looked my way, then it made a face like a teenager, and flew away.
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Old 08-28-2012, 07:35 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Textured Surface View Post
I can't take credit for this.
It came across my facebook feed thing.

A brother of mine as his status update:

"Well, today I crouched down as low as I could and clasped my hands behind me knees. Then I tucked my chin to my chest, and leaned forward. You may be asking yourself why I would do such a thing. Because that's how I roll."

It made me laugh, I figure I would share.
OK, I waited 4 days...but I couldn't resist posting it to Facebook too
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Old 08-31-2012, 11:53 AM   #32
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When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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Old 09-07-2012, 09:49 PM   #33
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Edna and Bill were quite the item at the nursing home.
Even though they were both 90 they would sit together every night.
And even though they were too old to make love she would hold his penis in her hand as they sat together.

One night Bill didn't show up.
He didn't show up for the next two nights either.
Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wheeling about the grounds.

She confronted him and said, "Where were you these past couple of nights?"

He replied, "If you must know, I was with another woman."

"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?"

"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he replied.

"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.

"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 90 years old."

"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.

Bill smiled and said, "Parkinson's."
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Old 09-16-2012, 11:59 AM   #34
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While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady immediately started taking off her clothes...

Doctor, stopping her said: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
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Old 09-20-2012, 09:11 AM   #35
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This young lady calls her gynecologist.
Doc I am sorry I forgot my string at your office..
Ah wait a mn.................. No I cannot find any panty.
Well in this case I did forget at the dentist then.
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Old 09-20-2012, 09:21 AM   #36
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Illegally crossing the North Korean border:

- 12 years of hard labor.

Illegally crossing the Iranian border:

- Imprisonment.

Illegally crossing the Afghan border:

- Execution.

Saudi illegally crossing the border:

- No one ever hears about you.

Venezuelan illegally crossing the border:

- Convicted as a spy and your future is sealed.

Cuban illegally crossing the border:

- Rot indefinitely in a political prison.


Illegally crossing the French border provides

(Or almost immediately):

- A job

- A driving license

- A social insurance card

- The social welfare

- Credit cards


"Vive la France". So I wanted to go.

But? Am I stupid??? I live there already ...

And this is why I am not entitled to it all ...

- A subsidized housing

- Free education

- Free health care

- Free medication ...
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Old 09-20-2012, 09:40 AM   #37
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If the end of the world is 20mn away what will you do?

I think i will fuck everything moving...And you?

I will not move...
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Old 09-20-2012, 01:02 PM   #38
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I'd probably spend it talking to whichever daughter called me first, while the husband talked to the other on his cell phone. If the lines were down, I'd probably look at pictures. And think of my family, past and present. And pray a lot.
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Old 09-20-2012, 01:04 PM   #39
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Now here's one of my three jokes to atone for that.

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?























Damn.
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Old 09-23-2012, 06:41 PM   #40
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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he

gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, "Very good".
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
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